Something a friend shared with me.....

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It snuck up on me this year, dogs and cats have kept me busy as they are wont to do, until suddenly I looked up and here it is, four years ago today, and the news is full of replays. CNN showed the footage from Shock and Awe Night for the ten thousandth time, and for the ten thousandth time I marked each missile I knew for mine as it exploded in the midnight streets of Baghdad.

For those of you who are tuning in late, on this day four years ago I was onboard the USS Higgins (DDG 76) in the Northern Arabian Gulf, and launched more than a dozen Tomahawk missiles for the infamous Shock and Awe Night that failed to shock or awe anyone in particular. I launched a couple dozen more over the first six weeks of the war, until finally our ship left for Singapore and a crew swap. i

I came home on an airplane the day President Bush declared major combat operations over in Iraq, which was a big laugh even then. Since then, my personal year has revolved towards and away from the 19th of March. It is my own Ash Wednesday, a Yom Kippur that I mark with no one but myself. It is Not Done in military circles to speak of regretting your part in a war, and feels disloyal besides. I know, I'm brainwashed. It happens.

Looking back, this spring has been full of Iraq stories, it seems. Insurgents using first IEDs, then shaped charges supposedly imported from Iran, and the latest, chlorine bombs. We escalate, they escalate. We learn to counter the IEDs, they produce shaped charges and chemical weapons. Does anyone still believe this is winnable under the definition the neo-cons originally gave us, that of turning Iraq into a democratic paradise, a beacon on the hill for the Islamic countries around it? At this point, ''winnable'' means ''getting out of there without leaving more of a mess than we have right now.'' According to a story I heard on NPR before switching off the radio and turning on a CD, 51% of the Iraqi public now finds violence against Americans acceptable. I'm not surprised. Under Saddam Hussein, they had no political freedoms but they had electricity, clean water, their children could go to school and they could find medical care.

We've given them civil rights and political freedoms, but what does that mean in a country where the economy is in shambles and violence racks any neighborhood that isn't patrolled on a minute to minute basis by one militia or another? And our military, what can I say? The USMC has given up any pretense of normal rotations and put out a message stating that if you haven't been to Iraq yet, you're going.

The Army lies to itself and its soldiers and the public, but puts troops on a punishing rotation for deployment that doesn't allow time for rest and training between stints in the war zone. The Navy and Air Force have been forced to reduce their manpower in order to funnel more money to the burgeoning ground forces, resulting in deployments and operations schedules so unpredictable that retention is becoming an issue.

I am not overwhelmingly depressed this year, thanks be to God for small mercies that I probably don't deserve. I am mournful, I am contemplative. I wish for forgiveness from myself, I wish I could feel right with God again, but these things may take a while and for the most part, I am at peace. Less than a year from now I will finally take off my uniform for the last time, and be out of it all for good. Next year on the 19th of March, I can go to one of the protests marking the anniversary of the start of the war, and not feel like a damned hypocrite or a spy

. Next year when I renew my membership in Iraq Veterans Against the War, I will check the box that says ''I am willing to speak publicly'' and if they ask me to speak, I will go, and I will tell the audience about how all members of the military carry wounds and scars and scabs on the soul, not just the ground forces. I will speak of the choices you make, the things you do to stay out of prison and earn that honorable discharge and the benefits that come with it. I will speak of the nights I have woken up in a cold sweat, clutching a worried dog like a lifeline, with nightmares of the people I have killed arriving, one by one, at my front door in a line that stretches longer than I like to admit. I am angry, more than anything else.

If, for instance, Hilary Clinton does not cough up the words ''it was a mistake'' in reference to her vote in favor of giving Bush the power to invade Iraq, I will not vote for her if she is the last goddamned Democrat on earth. Senator Clinton, don't you dare try to campaign on an anti-war platform without those words. You voted in favor when it was expedient, and now that it's expedient to go the other way, you've gone. Fuck off. I hope like hell Mr. Obama gets that nomination.

I wonder, sometimes, why I ended up like this and other people on my Tomahawk team did not. Firing Tomahawks is a triumph of military engineering, designed to kill a maximum number of the enemy while causing the least amount of potential trauma to the firing team. It includes any number of factors that will make it easier for a person to kill, including the extremely long range of the weapon (more than a thousand nautical miles, or 1200 statute miles), the shared responsibility (an average Tomahawk team includes two officers, a plotter, two engagement planners, and two launch controllers), and lack of decision-making (targets are selected for you by the regional command).

All of these factors should have buffered all of us, kept us safe from accepting personal responsibility for our choices. Why did my brainwashing, so firm in other matters, fail me when I most needed it? I mean, I complusively check to make sure the buttons on my shirt, the buckle of my belt, and the overlap of the zipper on my pants are neatly lined up throughout the day. My military bearing is rather impeccable when I'm in uniform, if I do say so myself. Bark at me in an authoritative voice and I am liable to follow the order first and think about it later. All the basics are there, but somehow the higher functions didn't install. DOS works, but the Windows-level brainwashing just failed to take, and while on the one hand I'm proud of my ability to retain some level of independent thought, on the other hand entirely I wish like hell I could just buy into the party line and not ... not think, not wonder, not accept that I made the choice to kill rather than to go to prison, even though I thought in 2003 that our reasons for going to war were complete rampaging bullshit dressed up like truth and sent out to walk the halls of the UN.

And yet, the brainwashing was enough to get me to move up a set of orders so that I could participate. Why did it fail to protect me afterward?

It's a different 19th of March this year, at least, and for that I am grateful. This afternoon I played in the sunshine with my dogs, and came in and snuggled the kitties in a sunbeam in the library. I must pause, periodically, in my typing to massage the ears of a grey dog who keeps shoving her head in my lap. I have explained to her that I am a mass murderer in the service of the government. She doesn't much care and wants to know if more ear rubbing will be forthcoming.

She doesn't understand why her doomed attempt to be a lap dog made me cry a little today. But maybe this is where being ok starts: with the two creatures in this world who will forgive me any human failing at all. I'm not right with myself and I'm not right with God, yet, but I am right with Dog and that's a start, isn't it?

I thought it was very moving and wanted to share it with you.

Thoughts from my lofty place on the hill

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I am a night person. I will always be one. I have tried not to be but I think some of us are meant to be.

After I finished writing in my blog a few minutes ago, I began thinking.....

I get attached to people, even the ones I rarely read on line. Not that I want to meet them or have them over for sunday dinner but I do wonder about them if I have not heard from them in some time. I have one that came in every day when I first started blogging. 'Actually two of them. One of them got me involved in blogging on this site. I enjoyed their postings and one day, I came on and I did not see any from one of them. I thought she had just missed a day but I heard from other bloggers she had not been visiting them either. I think about her often and hope she and her husband are doing okay and her reasons to stop blogging were her choice and and something has not happened to her.

The same way with the second one. Just stopped. I went to her blog and it was not there. I had waited some time but I don't think she will be coming back for some reason.

The thing is, I try to figure out why I worry about these ships that passed in the night. The ones I will never meet.

I hope they are happy and I wish them well.

Corned beef day is almost here..what will I have?

">Link I have a weakness. It is cookbooks and recipes. I have about fifty recipe books here at home. Some are well used and some barely used. I try to do just one recipe out of all of them just to justify my buying them. I was standing in Sam's Club today looking at a casserole recipe book. I kept asking, should I? Yeah, I decided I should. My friend says I am nuts. I should not buy recipe books since I have a computer. But I still like the books. I have gotten recipes from the computer and lost them then could not find the site where I got them and have not found the exact one I used that was so good. With the books, or my local paper, I have them there in front of me.
Reuben sandwiches
12 ounces thinly sliced cooked corned beef or deli corned beef
2 tablespoons butter, softened
8 slices rye or pumpernickel bread
8 slices Swiss cheese
1½ cups sauerkraut, well drained
¼ cup Thousand Island dressing
Lightly spread butter on one side of each bread slice.Reuben sandwiches12 ounces thinly sliced cooked corned beef or deli corned beef2 tablespoons butter, softened8 slices rye or pumpernickel bread8 slices Swiss cheese1½ cups sauerkraut, well drained¼ cup Thousand Island dressingLightly spread butter on one side of each bread slice.

(I love those ruebens)

Secrets to great corned beef The secret is simple: cook it long and slow, tightly covered. n Corned beef brisket needs to gently simmer. High temperatures can toughen the meat. The steam created during simmering ensures fork-tender, moist and flavorful beef.• Do not boil. Boiling does not speed up the cooking process; it only toughens the beef. • No peeking! Be patient — it cooks unattended. Just check the meat at the end of the suggested cooking time.• It's not necessary to turn a brisket during cooking. Each time the cover is lifted, steam escapes and the tenderizing process is interrupted.• To determine doneness, insert a utility fork into the brisket; the beef is fork-tender when fork inserts without resistance and releases easily.• Carve brisket across the grain into thin slices for the most tender eating experience.
Dijon-glazed corned beef with savory cabbage and red potatoes
1 boneless corned beef brisket with seasoning packet (3½ to 4 pounds)
6 cloves garlic, peeled
2 teaspoons whole black peppercorns
2 cups water6 tablespoons butter1 cup thinly sliced green onions, including white and green parts
½ cup prepared horseradish
½ teaspoon ground black pepper
¼ teaspoon salt
1 head green cabbage, cored, cut into 6 wedges
(1 to 1½ pounds)1Z\x pounds small red-skinned potatoes, cut in half
Glaze
2 tablespoons orange marmalade
2 teaspoons Dijon-style mustard

Position oven racks in upper and lower thirds of oven. Heat oven to 350 degrees. Place corned beef brisket in roasting pan; sprinkle garlic, contents of seasoning packet and peppercorns around and over brisket. Add water; cover tightly with aluminum foil. Braise in upper third of oven 3 to 3½ hours or until brisket is fork-tender.Meanwhile place butter, green onions, horseradish, ground pepper and salt in glass measuring cup. Microwave on high 1 to 2 minutes or until butter melts; mix well. Cover and refrigerate 2 tablespoons for Rustic Corned Beef & Potato Bake.Place cabbage wedges on half of baking sheet and potatoes on other half. Drizzle remaining horseradish-butter mixture over vegetables, turning cabbage and tossing potatoes to coat. Cover with aluminum foil.Roast in lower third of 350 degree oven with brisket 55 minutes. Uncover vegetables; continue roasting 15 to 20 minutes or until vegetables are tender and begin to brown.

Combine glaze ingredients in small bowl. Remove cooked brisket from roasting pan; place on rack in broiler pan so surface of brisket is 3 to 4 inches from heat. Brush glaze over brisket; broil 2 to 3 minutes or until glaze is bubbly and beginning to brown.Carve brisket diagonally across the grain into thin slices. Cover and refrigerate ½ of brisket (about 12 ounces) and 2 cups potatoes for Rustic Corned Beef and Potato Bake. Serve remaining brisket and potatoes with cabbage.Makes 4 servings.Cook's Tip: If seasoning packet is not included with corned beef brisket, substitute 1¼ teaspoons pickling spice.

Be irish for a day and enjoy!!!

The passing of a friend....

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Four years ago my daughter could not think of what she wanted to get me for a mothers day gift but since she likes cats, she thought I would like another one to add to my menagerie. I kept my mouth shut and graciously accepted the little gray and white tom cat into my home. Unfortunately, this lovable bundle of fur liked to make his presence known by spraying when he got a few months older. He was neutered so he did not think he would do that but Nicholas insisted on being difficult and he sprayed and sprayed. So we kept him outside on our back porch and in a shed out back . He would come and go as he pleased as we had cut a little door in the shed for him to go in and out.

Nicholas was up here playing a few days ago. We would let him in on the very cold nights and keep him in the basement where our other cats resided when it was cold. He played as he always did.

Two days went by and we did not see Nicholas come to where we fed him. My husband came in tonight and told me he found him dead in his bedding where he always slept.

We do not know what caused his death. We have no antifreeze where he can get it and what we have is pet friendly. We had him tested for luekemia when he was a kitten and he did not have it. Someone suggested distemper and perhaps that was it. Or, poision but we do not know who would poision him as our neighbors have cats and the other ones never bothered him or us about anything.

But he is gone and I spent most of the evening crying for him. I know I will miss him terribly at times but he really did have a good home and was a loving pet. He will be missed...........bye nick.

Long Saga.......

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My daughter is getting married this summer. I say this summer cause the dates keep changing. They change because she annonced last week she is pregant and she cannot fit into her wedding gown so we had to go out and get a new, larger gown for her. The original date was for Aug.18th. Well, the baby is due in sept and that is cutting it close. So they have now set the date for june ninth. I hope this is the last change.

But get this, the grooms parents know nothing yet except they are getting married. They do not know about the baby or anything and they are going to flip out or be very happy about it. I am happy she is going to have the baby and not an abortion. I know it will be rough for them but I know my daughter and she would never forgive herself if she had an abortion.

I love the idea of being a grandmother. But this whole wedding thing has us all in an uproar because so many of the plans had to be changed. I have to remember that babys do things like that. You have to be able to change things at the drop of a hat when babies come along.

I can't wait til june 10th and the wedding is behind us and we can get on to the baby shower and birth of the baby. *s*