Still on edge....

I cried much of the morning until my daughters doc called and said he is upset with the people who had been treating her because they took her off the medicines he had given her the last time she was in the hospital. He talked to me for awhile and told me she was doing better and this was the best possible thing that could have happened at this time.

He is really finding more fault with the mental health clinic that is treating her then he did anyone.

I felt as though someone had just handed me a life line. Until recently we had been searching for a way to get our family help in this mess and no one could offer it. They did not seem to know what to do. They were upset because the drug the other doctors took her off of were the ones helping her skippering.

If you have not lived with someone who has this disease, you have no idea who horrible it is. I feel so helpless at times. But now they think they can help her and will tell us of other places we can go to in another county to get help for her as the places here are filled with people like her. They are overwhelmed at times.

I was cleaning her room the other night and saw some poem she had been writing about how tortured she felt. It is scary to read them. Horrible.

In the pysche ward again........

I had a horrible dream last night. The first dream I have had in a long time. When I awoke early this morning, I knew something was not quite right about this day. I tried to remember what it was about but all I could remember is that it was dark and dreary and something very frightening about it.

I went over to get my eldest daughter up and she was yelling about stuff and I told her just to clean her room and get ready to to to her outing at a place called the grapevine. She goes there once a week. It is a place where people who are mentally ill can hang out and talk to others. She started yelling and calling me all kinds of nasty names for no reason. I knew it was a sign of what was to come. I tried to calm her down but she was not calming down. I got my husband and he tried to talk to her for awhile. It was not doing any good. She began yelling at him, telling him she wanted to die and she was going to cut her wrists or start cutting herself again. I called her therapist and he agreed to see her. I had already made plans to take her sister out to see the Star Wars Movie so My husband agreed to take her in to see her therapist.

She is in the hospital now trying to get herself straightenened out gain. It is so hard seeing her like this but, at the same time I am angry. At who or why, I don't really know. I am scared that some day she may really kill herself and we will not be around to stop her. We have prevented it so many times and each time I wonder about the next time. Will we be there? It scares me.

A taste of the sixties...

To the chagrin of my kids I have discovered Joan Baez and Sara Mcglaughlin and I have been blasting my music the way they did thiers earlier. They are not happy with me but I am so thrilled with having cds with these two singers on. Listening to them is much better on the ears than Marliyn Manson, that is for sure. Of course my mom felt the same way about my beatles and I hated her Bing Crosby records. *blech*

I have always loved the song Joe Hill by Joan. I never knew exactly who it was about til I did some research and it was written about man who was born in sweeden. He moved here when he was very young and changed his name to joe Hill. He was a song writer and union Organizer. Being from a Union state, I had heard of him but did not know much about it. Apparently He was framed for the murder of a store owner. They never had any proof that he did it. Much of the evidence circumstancial and there was a woman who said he was with her the night he was supposed to have killed the store owner. There was a feeling that the copper bosses in Utah framed him and he was executed. He became more famous after he was killed because he became a martyr then.

I think Baez has a wonderful mellow voice.

Not A Stepford Wife.

I just got back from a mother daughter banquet at my church. I often wonder why they have it listed as mother/daughter when there are women there who only have sons. It is the same way with my husband on fathers day. They have the father/son banquet. My husband has no sons so he does not go.

The food was good and my daughter did win me a posey so I guess it was worth it. But we had a long winded woman up there for the speech afterwards and I could have sworn her talk was two hours long. I did not believe my daughter when she said it was only a half hour speech. I am sure she is a nice woman and all but her talk about women never getting angry and constantly smiling reminded me of the Stepford Wives.

You know........the movie where the women are all smiling and look lovely so they can be at their husbands' and childrens' beck and call every hour of the day.

Well, shame on me for not smiling and jumping up while saying, 'yes dear' when my husband demands that I get the laundry done while he gets his fishing lore out to go fishing. It is not just my laundry. It is his laundry too and if he wants clean underware, he can throw a load in while I finish the book I was reading since I did not need the laundry done at that second. Some things are just more important than laundry.

Sorry if I did not feel any shame when my 24 year old daugther asked me to get off the computer cause she wanted to talk to one of her on-line friends. I know I should have smiled and said, 'yes, darling. Your mother loves you so she will let you on.' Then get up and leave a half finished email.

I know some of you will be appalled by this but I do not get up before my husband does so I can put on my make up because I do not want him to see me without any on. He does see the real me and I know that is not how a good baptist wife is supposed to be but this baptist wife sleeps later than her husband and lets him get his own breakfast. I also expect him to wash dishes on occasion. Oh, me baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad........

I am supposed to stifle my anger and speak with honey on my words when I talk to my husband and children. Well, honey was not flowing out of my mouth the day our daugther wrecked her car. I guess it was not flowing out of it when my husband came home drunk one night either.....Nor was it honey covered words the day my eldest ran off with a jerk she was dating.

I guess I better work on that 'honey' that flows from my mouth at times..................

This Mother/Daughter thing....

My youngest daughter and I love each other. We both know that. Yet we can only stand to be around each other for short periods of times before one of us blows up at the other. We have our little tiffs then everything is all right til the next one.


This may sound crazy to those of you who know my daughters are adopted but my youngest is so much like me and she does things that I do, yet I don't like those things in others. She is bossy. She is opinionated. She tends to be very impulsive and always has to be right. I get so frustrated with her at times but my husband says it is like he is in surround sound when the two of us get into our heated debates and neither wants to back down.

She is very political and very conservative where I am not. We argue needlessly over that when there is no real need to but neither of will back down. I should but it does not seem to be in my nature.

She says I want to mother her too much. She may be right. She is twenty-one and I find myself biting my tongue when she tells me about the latest love of her life but I did not bite the time I called her and her room mate said she was not in the dorm. It was 3 a.m. and she was at his place. I told her it was time for her to get to her dorm and she told me she was spending the night on his couch.

How dumb does she think I am. I was that age once and when I spent the night with a guy, I did not sleep on his couch. But my mom never knew about him. When I suggested she should not do this, she blew up and said I was to mind my own businesss. But two weeks later she was calling me, crying on my shoulder about Mr. Wonderful and I wanted to tell her it was not my business but I am a mother. It is my job to soothe her wounded ego when the louse she was with dumps her. Right?

Even though I am saying in the back of my mind, 'I tried to warn you............'

But I made those same mistakes when I was her age and my mother tried to warn me but did I listen. No. I knew it all. I guess she is too much like me after all....

Sending them off to the home.............

So my friend and I were talking and she said she would never put her mom in a home because her mother sacrificed so much for her siblings and her and she could not understand how anyone could put their mother in a nursing home. She said she did not care what her husband wanted or her kids, when the time came, her mother was moving in with her.

I thought about the day I put my mother in a nursing home and I worried about people thinking I was a bad daughter. But my mother was sick and she needed twenty four hours of nursing care and I had my familyt to think of as well as my own health which is not always that great.

"You know what really bugs me?" my friend asked. "People who take parents who sacrificed so much for their kids and the kids just throw them in a home and forget about them. They should respect their parents. What kind of repect is that?"

I often wonder why people assume they know so much about why people do things. How do I know that parent that is langushing in a nursing home, waiting for a kid that never comes to visit is not the same parent who slammed his/her child against the wall every time it did something wrong. Or, if they did not physiclly abuse the child, maybe they verbablly abused them and made the feel small all the time.

I know a couple that are in a home now and people wonder why their son never visits. I have known the son since I was a kid and I often heard the dad yell at him for some reason and the mother constantly telling he was not smart enough, or good enough for anything. Shortly before going into the home I asked her how he was, instead of telling me he got a new job as a truckdriver and leaving it go at that, she says, "Oh, he has a job as a truck driver but I don't know how long he'll keep it. He drinks, you know." I knew he did drink but he quit years ago.

Like I said, why couldn't she just tell me about the job and let it go. She also felt she had to tell he was not a christian and that was bothering her. With her as an example of what a christian is, I cannot blame him.

But the next time you think you know why people do certain things, before judging them, you might stop and think because you really do not know what their life may have been like at all.

Crosses along the road.....

It was a beautiful day to be out driving along our country roads. We were laughing and talking about something one of the kids did and suddenly, there along the side of the road were two white crosses draped in red roses with the names of two people who had died there. What a sobering jolt that was to an otherwise fun time.

I know why they are there. They are there because someone lost a couple of loved ones there. But I have heard that these crosses may be romoved from the roadsides because they are a distraction to those who are driving by and part of me wants to agree with this. Who wants to be reminded every time they drive by a certain tree or rock that someone met their doom there? And I have been told that more wrecks are caused because those who are morbidly fascinated by this kind of stuff slow down and try to read the names of whoever died there rather than watch the roads.

If I lost a loved one that way, I would not need such a memorial to remind me they are gone. That empty chair at the table each day or, those phone calls that will never come again, are enough to remind me that their soul is no longer on this planet.

Gripes about Mothers day

I know it is unamerican to say anything bad about this day of all days to honor your mother or be honored by your children. But I wonder why we have to have a special day set aside to honor people that we should honor every day of the year? And what about those who have mothers that do not deserve this dubious honor simply because they did something that came naturally and gave birth to a child then treated it like crap for the rest of the time? Or the mother who turned her back while her children were being abused physically, sexually, or emotionally by their father simply because they refuse to believe the men they married would do anything wrong to their kids?

There are mothers out there who simply do not deserve to be honored, yet their kids who have been brow beaten most of their lives feel they must honor them on this one day?

I hope that I am the kind of mother that my kids feel they can respect and honor every day. I do not want them to feel obligated to get me a gift on this one day simply because society dictates they must do it or they are bad examples of what children should be.

Yes, I did get lovely gifts from both my daughters this year and my husband is taking me out to dinner. But if they had not done this, I would still love them. I just do not want them to feel they have to do it.

I would have appreciated them just as much if they had chosen to give the gifts to me, say, last week or next month sometime simply because they saw it some where and decided to get it for me for just being me, not for being a mom.

When I was living in B.C. (I refer to it as Befor Children), my husband still took me out to dinner because he chose to honor me as his wife this way and I enjoyed it. So, this is not something he started doing simply because I became a mother. His attitude towards me has not changed since then and I respect him and love him all the more for that.

Anyway, the bleeding heart plants and the items for my christmas village are lovely. I do appreciate them and I love my kids................every day of the year.

Eavesdropping....

I was all set to turn off the computer and go to bed when I decided to serf for some blogs. I found one where this person said they liked to eaves drop. I am not alone..................

I like to sit at a restaurant table and listen to the people behind me talk. I make up things about them as they talk. I find out the most wonderful things when I am eaves dropping in such places.

One day I was sitting in our favorite restaruant when this elderly lady and two young women were sitting at the table beside me. I heard them mention a young man named jason. They old woman said she felt so bad for him. He really loved that girl. One of the young women said, "Christ he showed up at my door at 5 in the morning and sat on the steps and bawled like a baby." The other one said, "Grandma you and mom spoiled him rotten. No woman is going to put up with his crap and I don't feel sorry for him. Kris was too good for him. She should of dumped him a long time ago."

I stared at the woman. Slowly it dawned on me. She was talking about my daughter who broke up with her boyfriend the day before cause he had been sleeping with some of her friends. I knew jason had been raised by his grandmother and mother cause his dad went back to Puerto Rico.

Later I saw this same elderly woman coming out of a local store with jason pushing her grocery cart.

I told Kris about it and she told me that the sisters really liked her but they were always telling jason to grow up.

Funny what you learn when you eavesdrop....

Sideways...

Along time ago I learned not to listen to what the critics say. Go and watch a movie before deciding if it is good or not, I keep telling myself. Don't get your hopes built up, I tell myself. Well I had heard so much about the movie, Sideways.

It is a corny story about two men who are at the midlife time of their life. One is a frustrated author and the other is a 'has been actor' who jumps any woman who walks by him.

Is it a good movie? I don't think so. I thought it was very mundane. As for the funny parts, there was one or two but I did not see anything worth bragging about. I would give this movie 3 stars.

What a dog!!

this is ollie.......

He is a sweetie but not the brightest bulb in the room if you get my drift. When the weather is nice I tie him out in the yard for awhile with his brother jake, our lab mix. Well when we bring him in after an hour or so, he goes thru the same ritual. He runs to his toy box and pics out his raggedy stuffed raccoon and parades around the house with it. He will bring it to you but will not let you have it. He just bumps your leg and runs to the next person. He does this three times...all through the house. Then he drops the Raccoon and runs over to this corner and plops down.

It is the same routine all the time.

Some thoughts on things....

Who says you cannot teach an old dog new tricks. I am about two seconds younger than dirt and I am learning more new things every day. I don't know about some of you who are over the forty mark. (surely there is someone else out there besides me), but I often think if I had my life to live over again, I would live it to the fullest like many young ones today are. Oh, I had a great time when I was in my twenties. I would not change them for the world. But I see all the oppertunites laid out there for the young women today and I just think of how marvelous it would be to have all that laid before us when I was in my twenties. I tell every young woman who has the oppertunity to go to college, don't waste it.
I do hate to see kids get married right out of highschool and throw most of their oppertunities out the door. Yes, being in love is wonderful and babies are cute and all that crap but that love you feel for someone in your teens very often does not last and babies are not only cute but work.I told my daughter to go to college and do what ever she wants before she has the kids I so desperately want for grandchildren. :) Right now she is majoring in fine arts and I am not sure what she is going to do once she gets out. I think she will do fine though once she gets going.
I would have liked her to have done something else with her education but she is the one is going to have to live with whatever choices she makes. As long as she is happy.
My eldest is mentally disabled. She has some mental illnesses which causes us grief but she is pulling thru.

I did have a bad night with her last night. One of her friends told her yesterday she was raped by her foster brother. She did not know what to do but my daughter told her to tell her parents and now the parents want to take her in and have her press charges. (this kid is over 18 and no longer lives with them.) It happened about a year ago and she was afraid to tell her parents.

Well, my daughter was so upset over this she could not sleep and cried most of the night. I was up til 4 with her and got back up at 6. Just could not sleep.

I don't know if many of you know about fostering kids or being a foster kid. Well, I was a foster child and went thru some lousy foster homes before I found one where my foster mom really loved me and was a great mom. I have been a foster parent. I can tell you there are some good foster parents out there.

Not so with my daughters friend. Her parents do not work. Neither one. Yet, they have a new car almost every year and a new home. They are in it for the money. They take in every child that they are called about and even have taken in black children all the while referring to them as 'the niggers who live with us'. My daughter and the one black girl who was living with them turned them in for that and they no longer give them black children now but they do give them other kids. Anyway..............

They took this boy into their home, knowing he was removed from his own home for raping his sister. They brought him in to where they have two retarded girls whom they adopted and last night they were crying about how could this boy have raped their daughter after they brought him into their house and took care of him.

Give me a break. I wanted to scream at them. They invited him in just because they wanted the money they would get from having him. They did not think of their daughters safety when those checks were coming in.

Idiots!!!

Do I really care? No.

this has not been my week....I thought I lost my blog. I posted a bunch of stuff and could not find it. Here, I just got up and when the the computer and decided I was at blog dashboard and typed away then hit send. I went to see the blog and found out I was at a totally different place and had not been there for ages. Oh, well..........here is one of the posts..........

I could not sleep last night because of some problems here at home. So, I got out of bed and turned on the news. Once again,I was hearing about Paula Abdul and one of the contestants on American Idol.
My first thought was to go over and kick the t.v. in because I am so tired of hearing about it. Instead I did the sensible thing and turned the channel and found nothing on all 500 channels. I ended up back to where Paula's face was staring back at me before I flipped the switch that turned it off.
Why do we care about such mundane things as the sexlives of some television personality? (unless it is M.J. then I do care about what he is doing with kids.)
So what if Paula did do it with this guy. He did not win and maybe that is what is pissing him off and he feels he has to spill his guts and 'tell all'. Actually the guy does not seem to be the most honest upright person on the block if you get my drift. He was already proven a liar when he lied about his criminal record while trying out for the show. I would not put too much stock in what he says.

some of this is true....

Your birth on the 26th day of the month (8 energy) modifies your life by increasing your capability to function and succeed in the business world.In this environment you have the skills to work very well with others thanks to the 2 and 6 energies combining in this date. There is a marked increase in organizational, managerial, and administrative abilities. You are efficient and handle money very well. You're ambitious and energetic, while generally remaining cooperative and adaptable. You are conscientious and not afraid of responsibility. Generally sociable and diplomatic, you tend to use persuasion rather than force. You have a wonderful combination of being good at both the broad strokes and the fine detail; good at starting and continuing. This birthday is practical and realistic, often seeking material satisfaction.


Some is true..some is not........................http://www.blogthings.com/whatdoesyourbirthdatemeanquiz/

Was it the right decision?

Let me start this post by telling you my daughter is mentally ill. She was diagnosed with a by polar disorder when she was nine. She schizphrenic also. That did not crop up til about a year ago.

She came to me one day and told me she wanted to get her tubes cut. I told her that she should think about it and wait a few years. But I began to do some research and found out that once she got pregnant she would not be able to take any of her meds and I know what she is like if she just skips a few days. What in the world would she be like if she had to miss them for months at a time?

I know what is it like to listen to her talk to the people who are not there. I see her going thru all the animations like she really sees them. I know what it is like to have her tell her therapist that she wants us dead and has had made plans to kill my husband and I as well as a little boy who was living with us at the time. She says the voices tell her to do these things and that is why I am the one who makes sure she takes her meds every day. She is 23 and I still have to make sure she does it. She will not do it if left on her own. I know because she was on her own for awhile and tried to committ suicide more than once.

She is mentally only about 12 to 14 years old. She is the type that would not take care of baby.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized I did not think she would be a good candidate for motherhood so I talked to her about getting her tubes cut. I did not force her or give her any ultimatums. I simply asked her if she still wanted to do it and kept my fingers crossed, hoping she would say yes. She agreed that it was the best thing for her to do.

She had it done two weeks ago. Now she is saying she feels it might not have been the right thing to do cause she is afraid that the man she falls in love with will want his own kids. I told her that if he loves her he would understand the reasons why she did it. I told her she could always be a favorite aunt to the kids her sister says she is going to have some day.

You see, my daughter has never really liked kids. When they are around she tends to shy away from them where her sister goes ga-ga over babies.

Was it the right thing? I think it was for her. If I were younger and could take care of any child she might have (she says she would have never given any up for adoption) I might feel I could help her out but my husband says he would not want to take on the responsiblity of helping her raise a child. And he is right. Although I know that if either of the girls got pregnant and needed our help he would be the first one to offer it.

Will it ever stop???

I couldn't sleep after waking early to take a pain pill for my back. I decided to go on line and surf the net for some news reading. In the chicago tribrune I saw a article where another mother murdered her kids.

Apparently this guy came home from work and found his nine year old son's body in one room and in another room his wife was standing over the body of their three year old daughter with a knife in her hands and blood on her. She had stabbed each kid over two hundred times. A few years ago their house burnt and killed another child. They think she may have been the one who set the house on fire.

I was filled with such rage after reading that I wanted to scream. I could never have kids and these beotches are running around killing their kids left and right. I don't understand it. I fail to understand why they are given such a wonderful gift as a child of their own and then they go out and destroy it.

I know people are going to say she is sick and all that but she gets no mercy from me. I don't believe in the death penalty but I would make sure was locked up and would never see the light of day on the outside of a prison as long as she lived.

And what is wrong with these husbands? Can't they see what is happening to their wives? Look at the one in texas who thought his wife was little more than a baby making machine. He knew she had a mental illness and I don't know how many know this but if you are pregnant, you cannot take the meds you have to take for your mental illness. How smart is that?